by Ron L. Deal
Fathers.com (National Center for Fathering)
Anyone who has been a father and then a stepfather knows that they aren't the same. While many aspects of these two roles are similar, it is the unique ones that lead to disillusionment. Franklin put it this way: "I've been to every Promise Keepers conference and I've studied fathering with my men's group many times. But nothing has prepared me for being a stepfather. With my own kids I have a natural leadership authority that allows me to teach them and be directive. With my stepchildren I constantly feel like I'm one step behind, like I have to establish myself each time I engage them."
Stepfathering can be challenging. Perhaps that's why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities. The unmapped territory seems to have many land mines and it's easier to just retreat than to engage the "enemy." But stepfathers can have profound and important leadership roles with stepchildren. Like Joseph, who wasn't Jesus' biological parent, stepfathers can offer guidance, love, and encouragement to the children under their care. Here's a map for the territory and some practical action points for stepfathers.
Get a Lay of the Land
All stepparents need to understand the emotional climate of their stepchildren. Stepfathers are no different. For example, being aware of the child's emotional wounds and hurts from past losses is vital to coping with the sometimes angry or oppositional attitudes of children in stepfamilies.
It is also very important that stepfathers recognize that gaining respect and leadership from stepchildren is a process; you earn the right to lead by developing trust and connection with stepchildren. You must be willing, for example, to enter the child's life as an "outsider" who slowly finds acceptance, at the child's pace. For many men it is very disturbing to realize that their stepchildren get to determine the pace at which they find acceptance in the family. And it's true--you don't get to control your parental status--the children do. They will open their heart to you when they are ready. Until then, you must cope with feeling out-of-control and find ways to work within the system as it is. Here are some tools that might help.
Tools for the Stepfather Tool Box
› Initially Provide Indirect Leadership
There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships: 1) positional power and 2) relational power. Initially as a stepfather you have positional power because you are an adult in the house who is married to the children's mother. Much like a teacher at school, you have positional power. As your relationship with the children grows, often over a period of years, you gain relational power because they now care about you personally. Your opinions matters more, your validation is sought after, and your warm embrace feels safe.
In the beginning, when limited to positional power, effective stepfathers provide in-direct leadership in their home by leading through their wife who holds a great deal of relational power with the children. Work with her behind the scenes to establish boundaries, expectations, and the values that will govern your home. While she might be the one to communicate the values and hand down discipline, you can still be very responsible to set a godly tone for the family.
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